On Chemistry of Relationships
Its common to use chemistry to explain relationships between people. I always thought chemistry was some form of animal magnetism used to measure or describe the attraction or repulsion between two individuals. Two individuals either hit it off very well, or repulsed each other, or maybe fell somewhere in between. I never thought that the term chemistry might mean something much deeper than that.
Just last week I was working with my tenth grader on her high school chemistry lesson. I had to take a crash course in Khan Academy on the topic of ionic, covalent and metallic bonds between atoms. Each atom based on its position in the periodic table has a set of electrons rotating around its nucleus in orbitals of high probability. The electrons in the outer most orbital called the valence electrons are responsible for the reactivity of the element. Each element attempts to pair up (bond) with other elements to reach a stable state represented by the Noble gases (Helium, Neon,…) that technically have no valence electrons.
As I was imbibing this from Khan Academy it dawned on me how truly representative of human relationships these elements really are. When we say opposites attract we are really describing the ionic bonding ( e.g Na + and Cl- join to firm NaCl or salt ) between two individuals where one is positively charged after willingly donating electrons ( read energy ) and the other is negatively charged and willing accepts electrons ( read energy ), and by doing so both individuals reach a stable state. Let’s imagine a couple ( man and a woman) that are ionically bonded, they are true complements of each other when they are both in a free state early in their relationships. Let’s say one goes to work and has an emotionally draining day. When he/she returns home they have already donated excess energy and arrives home ready to receive some energy. If the person at home is a net receiver and not a natural donater of energy in their relationship then we have a situation where an ionic bonded couple has suddenly transformed into two net receivers. Suddenly the stable relationship has transformed into one where the only outcome is a blow up as each one is trying to get something from the other. The natural equilibrium is impacted. It’s possible if there is a neutral third party at home (like a lovable pet) that is a net giver of energy that the situation might be averted. Perhaps this is familiar to many of you who are ionically bonded to your spouses. I will let you work out the other permutations and combinations of this situation.
As your relationships evolve and your personalities change or are moulded by your better halves your natural state changes. The spark that kindled the fire in your relationship tends to mellow down over time as both your personalities get aligned. You start to become, for lack of a better word a carbon copy of each other. At this juncture your relationship evolves from the ionic bond to more of a covalent bond where each is sharing a couple of valence electrons (each oxygen atom shares two electrons with another oxygen atom so we can breathe). This sharing of energy between two individuals brings stability in your relationships. This period lingers on as long as there is sharing. In some cases this lasts a lifetime.
In others the sharing ceases or diminishes at some point creating imbalances. The individuality that we had in our childhood and youth starts to return. This is analogous to a metallic bond where we are a free spirit bonding with the energy emitted by other free spirits. Our needs are met by what the rest of humanity has to offer.
Strangely the chemistry of atoms is magnified in how we as humans behave implying that we are just macrocosm of the elements that make us who we are. Our body and mind are the nucleus and our soul defines the distribution of energy in probabilistic orbits around us.
