On conforming !
To conform or not to conform, that’s often a dilemma we face throughout our lives. What we choose to do is often our personal choice? There is no right or wrong, but our personalities determine our behavior. This manifests in multiple ways in how we dress, how we behave, what we do or choose not do. To conform is easy for it does not raise any eyebrows. But a non- conformist is often frowned upon.
Let’s take a few examples to see what this really means. When we were growing up our parents goad us to conform to the norms they define for us. We are held in high esteem if we conform. We become a topic of family conversations much to the disdain of our siblings and our cousins. Look at him — “He is a straight A student”. Or, “How well behaved she is, she always respects her elders”. Or, “I wish you had the same dress sense as all you friends”.
As we grow older and our individualism emerges the pressures we face to conform introduces conflicts in our lives. The people we meet, evaluate us on how closely our behavior mimic theirs. It could be something as simple as food that is a cause for conflict. If you grew up in a South Indian family, eating curd (yogurt) and rice with pickle was considered to be the norm. But if for some reason you don’t like curd rice you are tormented to try and eat it. It starts at home when your parents try to force it on you. Then it becomes family entertainment and you are teased for not falling in line and succumbing to the wishes of the many. At work we learn about the importance of diversity of opinions but at home we like people who conform.
Being a vegetarian for life, I have had to explain my eating preferences many a time. It has almost always been the same questions, how come you don’t eat meat? You are missing out on all the good things in life. I like a fool have invented many a reason to explain myself, when all I needed to have done was perhaps to offer no explanation. Imagine if you were to ask a meat eater why they eat meat?
Another interesting behavior I observed whilst growing up in India, was a voluntary effort to force kids to be right handed. There was a stigma attached to being left handed. If a child was beginning to use his or her left hand prominently a concerted effort was made to change their habit. So society for some reason preferred the right handed, left brained logical person over the creative, right brained types. So if you were born in India and creative you are probably a non conformist. No wonder there were far fewer creative types from India for generations. Strangely, I don’t think this behavior is restricted to India but probably is prevalent in other countries and societies too.
Not everyone likes to surround themselves with people who are different from themselves. Let take the institution of marriage. Every society has set norms on what is acceptable and what is not. You are encouraged to conform, i.e marry someone from the same culture, religion, sect, smart, intelligent, beautiful, rich and so on. If you choose differently you are not conforming and have to deal with conflict sometimes lasting a lifetime. Never once in this process are people thinking of the two souls who have chosen each other.
In reality most of us are mix of conformist and non-conformists. Only very few amongst us are strong willed and have conviction to follow our dreams. These people mostly are non-conformists as their actions are willed and not driven by the perception of others. The rest of us never really emerge from our cocoons and settle for less. Maybe life is easier if we conform as otherwise we would be branded as mavericks, people who have gone astray.
But if we just have one life (let’s assume we are not cats who have nine) and can’t be reborn, etc. Should we not try and live our fullest and try to do all we wish to do. So do we conform and live a lesser life or be a non-conformist and live a fuller life. We all have choices and this is an important choice we have to make. It’s okay to grow long hair, smart a beard, wear sandals to a party knowing even if it is embarrassing to your spouse 😀. If you have read Tipping Point, you probably know how Hush Puppies became a favorite brand !
