On Feelings and Empathy
Considering that we all have lot of one and not as much of the other, its worthwhile to ponder on this topic. As humans we all emote and have feelings a conditioned response to internal (yes internal) and/or external stimuli. Why we have them is probably more philosophical than physiological as it has to do with our sense of being? We tend to separate our feelings from ourselves as if we are different, but it’s our feelings that define who we are. Isn’t it?
Our feelings are our sensory reaction to a stimulus. A conditioned response, a Pavlovian reflex some might say. Our responses are predictable as we often react the same way to similar stimuli. Those who know us well understand our behavior and know what triggers set us off. To understand how someone is feeling is hard, for often times we are inclined to respond to our own feelings. It requires an extra effort to imbibe what the other is going through. Doing so is not without consequences. It is hard to engage in another’s emotions and not have that transferred to ourselves. Social workers, care givers and people who work in women’s shelters come home drained almost every day. To understand someone we have to put ourselves in their shoes and when we do that we experience the impact of the same feeling. Although we are not directly impacted by the feeling the act of experiencing it impacts our stability.
When we watch a tear jerker on the big screen or on our TVs we are vicariously experiencing the protagonist’s situation and it’s quiet common for the soft amongst us to have tears rolling down their cheeks. When we are watching a sports event and cheering for our team to win, we experience the same ecstasy or disappointment that the athletes feel based on the result. Some of us have learnt to disengage from watching sports passionately, knowing that it if our player or team loses we end up demotivated and feeling down the next day.
If we accept that we are emotional beings, then why is it hard for us to accept that others in our circle of relationships are similar too? Why is it easy for us to point out when others set of our triggers but hard for us to understand when we do the same for others ? We justify our reactions typically by stating that the circumstances invoked our feelings which made us unhappy and disturbed our equilibrium; our reaction was to emote so we can dispose of some of the built up negative energy to restore our balance. Whilst that premise may be true, disturbing someone else’s equilibrium to release our negative energy is only propagating it instead of curtailing it. We all can see the destructive impact of a storm in the aftermath of it passing through our neighborhood. When we pass off our negative energy as we emote we have the same destructive impact of a hurricane or a tornado.
When we listen to others emote instead of reacting to it we are attempting to experience their emotion so we can understand their state of balance. When we do so we are able to reflect and respond with affection. The act of doing so is termed empathy and there are many who are able to do so naturally. But in doing so they are projecting others feelings onto themselves in some sense absorbing others negative energy. It’s natural that when this happens a person with negative feelings sees an improvement in their state of mind. From simple laws of physics this is a preferred outcome as equilibrium is likely to be restored.
This is further compounded when we don’t have verbal or visual cues. Brawls on social media have become common place with limited efforts to understand. When interpreting another’s thought we fail to comprehend what they are feeling. Their experience is uniquely theirs and is not right or wrong. But as people, collectives, societies and governments we have stopped listening. Our feelings invoked by their posts tend to take priority and there is an absence of empathy. If we persevered to hear we would engage in a five whys rather than inferring without understanding. Action oriented individuals, the Type A’s suffer from this malice more than others. Their highly active brain has processed and inferred with little pause. This behavior whilst well suited for quick decision making is often an impediment to being empathetic.
When you disturb a pendulum from its equilibrium it goes back and forth until all that energy is expended before it returns to its equilibrium. As it is oscillating any resistance it experiences will speed up the process of returning to its steady state. Empathy works similarly by absorbing another’s emotions we can act as a dampener and dissipate the negative energies in the person hastening their return to a peaceful state. Seems logical, doesn’t it ? But then why are we all not empathetic. Why is it hard for us to truly care for our fellow beings? What could be more important than that? Is it because the experience is not pleasant? Whether it be a friend or family member or co-worker what keeps from showing we care? What are we afraid of? Why is it that we can be empathetic with strangers but harsh with people we care a lot about ? How do we slow ourselves down, so we listen and not judge, clarify but not advice.
How many people do we really understand? Do we even try ? Or are we each so full of ourselves that we find putting ourselves in another’s shoes to be a boring exercise. If we each did a mental exercise truthfully do we think we can count with our two hands the number of people we actually know. Wouldn’t it be fascinating to know our friends and family members and help them in their times of needs and share in their sorrows and tribulations? We could be empathetic without saying a single word. I am reminded of the hugging saint Mata Amrutanandamayi who absorbs all the negative energy each time she hugs a person and still carries on unperturbed with a perfect smile on her face. She is an energy sink and seems to have figured out how to be balanced as she gives 1000’s of hugs every day. The only way that can explained using physics is if she has an immense source of positive energy that is in no way dented by the negative energies she absorbs each time she hugs someone. As touchy, feels humans we should ask ourselves how we should behave the next time we see a person who is agitated. Maybe we will surprise ourselves!!!
