On Marriage
A startling event shook our neighborhood earlier this week that has raised questions in many peoples minds. I prefer not to dwell into the circumstances, for they were clearly disturbing and not something I want to even comment on. One of my friends reached out and suggested I blog about it and I took up the challenge. Not sure I can do justice to it.
What is marriage? Can two people who take an oath together, be caring and loyal to each other for a life time? How does this relationship develop and evolve? Is this relationship always harmonious or are there moments of turbulence? How do couples navigate the ebbs and flows? When your life partner goes astray how should you react? When the relationship deteriorates how can you seek help to protect yourself and your children. All good questions, let’s explore the dynamics.
When two people tie the knot or get hitched the circumstances are very different. If they have been in a long term relationship they perhaps know a lot about each other. If it was a quick fling that led them to the altar maybe they probably bonded due to the positive spark generated during their limited association where they both displayed their best. If their marriage was arranged, as many were in the world I came from, they hardly know each other at the time they wedded.
Two individuals looking to live their lives together are embarking on their most challenging relationship of their life time. Not being related by blood, this relationship we call marriage is the most complex one of our lifetime. Many amongst us get to dabble in this relationship most of our life. Others choose to break and rejoin with another, one or more times, for they decide that they are unable to make the sacrifices to keep the previous relationship(s) alive for a life time. Since circumstances vary it’s hard to generalize which path is better. Each person has to make their own choice. But clearly, it’s the sacrifices we each make to keep the relationship alive that make our marriages successful. No individual is perfect and as the years go by the idiosyncrasies of each get exaggerated. At some point the couples start to accept each other for what they are. The perfect couple we see on the outside is not so perfect in private.
So how does this relationship evolve and recover from all the turbulence as it ages. This is truly a credit to the two individuals who are making the sacrifices, the give and take. We learn by understanding the limits of what is acceptable to the other. It’s hard to get the role models (we grew up with) out of our heads and realize that if we want our marriages to work we each have to commit to the other. Once the honeymoon period is over reality starts to set in. The norming phase is often stretched out for a few months as the couple is at their best and their expectations of this new relationship is very high. Slowly the storming starts to happen as their natural personalities begin to emerge. If the couple rushes to have children the storming phase is kind of interrupted. The arrival of a child or children interrupts the storming, for the responsibilities of parenting take over. This extends the relationship till the children leave home for college in many cases, as the presence of children obfuscates the prevailing issues, if any. As the children begin to age and start to leave home these lingering issues that remained hidden for a decade or two start to resurface. You would think two individuals would have matured to handle the storming as it re-emerges. In most cases they are but not so in others, making life a challenge for some couples. If maturity prevails then their relationships hold fine and they go on till eternity (the performing phase). But when that maturity is absent even in one of the actors, trouble starts to brew.
Marital relationships are not meant to be without conflicts. There are times of harmony and times of turbulence. It’s hard for two minds to agree on everything. Marriages are made in heaven is pure BS. Marriages are made by the two individuals in it. They make or break those relationships. The partners begin to understand each other only when turbulence strikes. Realizations dawn on how much they could take each other for granted. These are important growth opportunities for the two individuals. In an equal marriage the two players want the same — freedom to be themselves and not constrained by the other. Since they cohabit it’s not the same as living with roommates where you could just ignore the other. They each have to make sacrifices and change some, so they can accommodate the other.
All that is well and good. But what if after twenty plus years of marriage they still don’t trust each other. Who is at fault? Maybe one or the other or both. Once the blame game begins it can get treacherous due to the possessive nature of this relationship. If you have read “Provoked” you have probably seen one extreme. Many people are quite mature at this age and decide to break the relationship at this juncture. Though an undesirable end, it returns peace and harmony to both their lives, even if this was initiated unilaterally by one person. For if turbulence has become the norm, it’s not worth prolonging it; even if it’s just for avoiding the shame by exposing the world to their broken relationship. But in some extreme cases this phase is very troubling. What happens within a household is very secret and never discussed with close friends or relatives. When this happens in a foreign country where they are first generation immigrants they even lack that support system. As the relationships deteriorate there in no seeking of advice, no counseling. If you are stuck in one of these, it’s very critical to seek help and protection in some cases. Whilst marriage can lead to great love between two souls it can also lead to great hatred. This causes a great deal of suffering and some times a tragic end like what happened in our neighborhood. Better sense should prevail especially with those that have kids. Even if your life is unhappy you don’t want to make it worse for your kids. Only friends and family know how and when to get involved. It’s important for them to act if they know, to avoid tragic ending. It’s not easy, but when there is a threat to even one life it justifies the cause.
